if music be the food of love,
then play on.
then play on.
Monday, May 04, 2009
♥ 4:58 AM
Isn't it funny just how the world seems to be going round your way and then turns on you just when you thought everything was gonna be fine? Yeah..I find it in a way quite ironic. In a way that makes me hate life and everything in it to he core right now. Right now, you can make the slightest mistake and I would give you a look so scary you would back off immediately.I haven't been in this mood for a very long time. What event brought this mood upon me?
He found out..
About EVERYTHING. The outings, the friends I brought out. Now because of me, he's hating all my other friends. Why? As I quote "You're (me) the matchstick, but it takes a hand to strike it for it to actually light up." What the hell? Yeah, they're your friends, but come on..be realistic. He's lost contact with them for so long, a few months. Who the hell stays loyal for so long? Yeah friends like that exist, but he should know them well. Even I do! And he says that I am no good at judging people's characters.
What exactly did I do wrong here other than the lies? Other than going out behind his back. I went out wit friends. I hung out. I never was on a date nor was I on some kind of sexcapade. He knows my friends and he knows that they would never ever in a fucking million years hit me on me nor would they ever look at me in that way. They're like my big brothers. They're my laughter. They will be there when I'm in need of some cheering up. I enjoy being with them. I love my friends.
Question is, do I love them more than my own boyfriend? If I do, then perhaps it's time to contemplate on whether or not all these sacrifices are worth it. I just want him to somehow understand that I am not someone you can keep indoors all the time. Yeah, he wants to be involved in my social life? Then get used to my friends!
They're the ones who make me laugh when you make me mad. They're the ones who actually UNDERSTAND my feelings. YOU??? YOU????????!!!!!!!!!!
All you know how to do is TALK! and talk! CONTROL! Yeah, you can twist your words around and make me fear you..In front of you, I'm forbidden to speak. Lips sealed with fear as the glue.
I love you...I do...But if you loved me, you woud accept me for who I am. Yes, change me for the better, but don't try to change the rest of me. I can only change so much and I did it for you. I gave up all the bad things. No doubt, I'll always be thankful for the effort you put into making your parents accept me, changing me to become what I am now and guiding me all the way, but don't you think that you're going a little bit overboard? Yes, the world can be a bad place, but why not make the best of it while we're here?
You don't like the people around you, but would it kill you to just keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself for that moment? Yeah, pride. It's all about your goddamn pride. You put it down for me,why can't you put it down for my friends? I put mine down for your crackhead friends! When they in fact were the ones who influenced you to drink, smoke, do drugs. ALL THEM! My friends? They didn't do shit.
I was the one who brought them out.
I was the one who picked them up.
Sent them home? me.
Treated them to lunch? me.
Movies? me.
Please accept the fact that you are with someone who knows how to stand on her own two feet and is still trying to. I wanna gain control of my life. Please let me do the things I wanna do. I know what's right and what's wrong.
Going out with friends and telling you with whom and where. Go home before 7. RIGHT
Drinking, partying, doing drugs. WRONG
Wearing slutty clothes. WRONG
Wearing a little mascara and contacts. RIGHT
DATING OTHERS. WRONG
See? I do know what's right and what's wrong. I DO NOT ALWAYS GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION. I'M NOT STUPID. I'M 18 GODDAMNIT!
I should have the right to gain control over my own life. We're not fucking married. Why do people side me and keep my secrets away from you? Cos they would do the same for you too. If they were to see you out behind my back drinking and doing shit you're not supposed to do, they would keep it from me too. And Abg Apek? Yes, he had a thing for me. UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF 'HAD'??
Yes, I would feel the exact same way as you if a girl that used to like you brought you out, but I know you would fight for her no matter how wrong you are. Because you know that it isn't her fault.
How could you say that I didn't have any guilt at all?? I do. Why do you think I didn't want to watch the movie with you? Yes, I didn't wanna relive that moment of shame again. A movie watched behind your back. DID I HAVE FUN IN THE MOVIES WITHOUT YOU??
No.
But do you believe me?
No. And I do not expect you to. After all these lies. I don't expect for this relationship to have a speedy recovery. I'm mad at myself for fucking up, but at the same time, I'm mad at you for taking that one bit of happiness away from me for so long.
When I'm with you, there's just no balance in things. Things either have to be really bad, or supremely good. Why can't we stop that from happening? I want it to stop right this fucking moment. Haven't you ever thought why I had to lie??? Or are you just to blinded by your anger to actually figure this shit out? Think about it. It's always been about you. Why do I keep saying that? I don't wanna explain this shit to you cos I know that you won't listen to my explanations. YOU NEVER DO. It always gets twisted into you being the one who gets what he wants. Do I??
I never get what I intend to get from you. You're disappointed in me. I lied. Yes. But are you going to punish me for life?
DID I FUCK SOMEONE ELSE? DID I STAB YOU THAT HARD IN THE BACK? Yeah, they were your friends. But come on. They're my friends too. Stop being selfish. To say that I have no guilt is wrong. To say that I lied without a reason or to just give in to temptation is wrong. I have the temptation to go and hit on other guys and do what I used to do in the past, but do I? NO!
Do you believe that? Once again, NO. And I do not expect you to. I just never expected that you could be so.....rash about things. Why can't you try to understand what I want and need from you? So many things are forcing me to put my feet out the door right now, but do I?? I don't. Why? Because I believe that you're not this person. Cos I choose you to be with forever. Please don't prove me wrong. You know you can do this. You know you're better than this.
This isn't about my friends or me standing up for them. This is me standing up for myself. Why can't I just say all these things to your face? I tried baby. I tried...
Now, I'm in a state of confusion. What's my next move? What should I say later on the phone? Are things going to change? How long can I keep going on like this?? I don't know. I really don't.
OK I WILL NOT FALL VICTIM TO DEPRESSION AND STUPID EMO TACTICS.
I'm done sulking.
Thank God for late night dinners. MCDONALDS!!! Yes, thank god for their delivery services. It kinda satisfied me that much so I guess it made me feel a lil better. And my uncles and little cousins are here so they bring a little joy and happiness to the this house. Rather than it being quiet and empty.
Some inspirational quotes I should live by♥
FREEDOM OF CHOICE
TIMELESS BEAUTY
♥
♥
&&"for beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone..." Audrey Hepburn
-and this she wrote.
